Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You smell like stripper and shame
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
