I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
