Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
