I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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