true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
