She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
