My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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