The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
