I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
