theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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