You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Randomize
