I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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