I will die if light touches me.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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