I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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