yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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