I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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