I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
