i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
