DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
