i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
