laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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