ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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