Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
