my being single is dangerous.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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