somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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