i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
