dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
