Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
porn star boner night. come get it.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You're breaking my sexual little heart
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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