Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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