i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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