So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
