How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
