I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
