i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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