They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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