My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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