I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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