I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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