Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
