i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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