I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
