Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
