dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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