The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
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