Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize