Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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