you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
