I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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