Umm I'm too high to move.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
