the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
this must be what syphilis tastes like
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
