A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
