If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
