Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
