Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
