hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
the condom got lost in my hair
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
